may I be Frank ?

A celebration of a wonderful life

The following notice has been placed in The Guardian and the Leicester Mercury:

CANDY, Emma Thérèse died of cancer on Thursday 5th February, 2004 aged 36 years in London Bridge Hospital. A wonderful daughter, sister and friend who touched so many with her warmth and wit. She faced her ordeal with great courage and dignity as her journal shows: http://mayibefrank.typepad.com. Funeral 2.45 pm Thursday 12th February at Loughborough Crematorium, Leicester Road, Loughborough . Flowers or donations to Cancer Research UK or Iyengar Yoga Institute of South London may be sent to H. Towell, 97 Swan Street, Sileby, Leics. LE12 7NN. Tel 01509814404

Goodbye Candygirl

Just to let everyone know that Emma died peacefully early on the morning of February 5th 2004 with her family there. This picture was taken last Thursday as we walked down by the Thames at London Bridge following a bout of shoe window shopping...She was tempted by some furry boots but felt they were a little extravagant. Candygirl was a tough cookie till the end...telling us off for being upset and ordering the nurses around.

This blog was one of the things that made her happy over the last few months. She loved getting everyone's posts as I know you loved reading hers. It would be great if people would like to post their thoughts. I know Emma would have liked to thank you all for your words and support.

We love you Em and will miss you so much.

Meroë, Colin, Linda, Ernest and Rob

I dream of popsicles I dream of popsicles I dream of popsicles

I can't can't or drink anything I hatched a plan that I could get popsicles there might be a a way to get taste to my taste buds via popsicles.

Tonight and every night

Typical night: I wake up. It's around 3.

The pressure in my stomach is hurting. I do that every night. Often is stops me from getting to sleep in the first place. At the moment there is a fight going on between what is in my lower intestine, my stomach (at the top) and so-called free fluid in the gaps in between. And there just ain't enough room.

I've got 3 choices: Have an enema, be sick or have a drain of the free fluid.
Nice.

So, I try to make myself sick, but the new anti-sick drugs were having none of it. So I shift around dragging the drip off to the loo, come back, lie down again. Can't put my head down without being sick. I won't go on. You get the picture. This happens most nights.

Attachments

Didn't think you'd notice I've gone. I'm chuffed. I've been in this hospital for three weeks. I miss the blog very much. It's hard not to star in your own show everyday. I haven't really wanted to see anyone or do anything since I've been in hospital. I've lurched between infection, pain, hunger and dizziness, not in that order.

Yet they've well and truly wired me up. I'm attached to a feeding bag, saline drip, and morphine and anti-sickness pump.

I write this on boyf laptop where he can take my little messages safely to cyberspace on the train! No access yet in the hospital.

54.50kg

I am now 54.50kg down from 67.00.
8 stone 5 to you and me.

I'm currently the same weight as I was when I was 16.

So I'm not skinny yet but it certainly feels like it when I can feel my hip bones in the bath.

Funny how the things you though would matter don't matter any more, like the fact I don't have any eye lashes.

Who cares? Give me a burger.

(they let me out today but I will be in hospital being re-fed like David Blaine for a few days.)

a hickman line

As you know, tomorrow I have to have a "hickman line" put in to my chest.

Yuck yuck yuck. It is the only way I can get nutrition as I still can't eat with out puking green stuff.

Apparently I will be sedated.

Well they'd better give me something good!

a short interlude

I am out.
I just nipped out for a morning cos I was so bored.

I have been at the hospital since Jan 3rd.
I did make it Wales but was poorly while I was there.

I can't eat for being sick. Waiting for new drug to kick in.
They have attached a little box to me that gives my constant
anti-sickness drugs and pain killers.

On monday they are going to insert a "line" which goes into my
main vein and means they can feed me.
How gross is that?
blah blah...

Haven't worked out how to moblog yet.

Sorry for any inconvenience caused....

I can get email on my phone.

turkey

Xmas day was great. Family all around.
Cool presents.

I didn't eat a thing because I was so excited about coming out of hospital I pigged myself on crisps and sweets. Then went out with the family on christmas eve and ate loads of italian food.

Xmas day I puke loads of green stuff ewww.

Didn't stop me having a good time though.

christmas cheer

Have a fun time at Xmas everyone. I'm unseasonally excited about it.

Normally I detest Xmas but this year we are going to be in London which is a novelty for me. I remember last year I was having trouble eating xmas dinner because I didn't know it but I had a huge cyst. I promised myself that this year I would find out what the hell was the matter with me. I knew I'd been ill for at least 3 years, acutely so for 6 months. I couldn't find out what it was though, however many doctors I saw.

Meanwhile there I was working like a bastard.

I don't even know what I was doing now. I know I was flying to America every month or two, working till nine every night, sleeping all weekend and still being exhausted. I know I worked all the time doing something and could not or would not listen to myself. Without wishing to sound all new age, my body was telling me something but I would not listen.

I always wonder how much my work contributed to my illness. People always say, "no no you mustn't blame yourself, you couldn't have done anything about it" but I don't buy that. If I hadn't been so stressed and tired for a long period (about 5 years) then perhaps my immune system would have fought this thing. I was nursing a broken heart too, and they say you can die of that!

Have a good Xmas, you never know when it might be your last.